7 Reasons Why You Struggle with Dating in Your 40’s

 

Dating can be one of the most frustrating and challenging aspects of your forties. If you haven’t dated in years, you’re walking into an entirely new world of online dating, catfishing, ghosting, and love bombing amongst other challenging aspects of the dating scene.

If you are struggling to find a special someone or you simply need some fresh perspective, here are seven reasons why you might find dating challenging and what you can do about it.

1. You haven’t taken the time to heal from your breakup or divorce. One reason why many of us struggle with dating is simply that we aren’t ready to be on the dating market again. It takes time to heal from a meaningful relationship and your healing process shouldn’t be taken lightly. If you haven’t officially separated from your partner, you’re still living together (even in separate rooms) or your divorce isn’t final, consider holding off on dating. During your split, focus on rebuilding your friendships and re-starting some of your old hobbies and passions to rediscover who you are before you invite someone new into your life.

2. You have lost your sense of identity. Many of us struggle to make sense of our emotions and identity when we become single. If you’ve been married before or recently gotten out of a long-term relationship you’ll need some time to rediscover your passion and purpose for life as a single person. Too often, recent divorcees hit the dating market to fill the gap from their previous partner and end up in toxic or unhealthy relationship cycles. We want to begin dating when we are clear on who we are and we’ve learned the important lessons from our previous relationship. Ask yourself, what are 2 things you’d like to start doing again and why?

3. You’re not clear on what you want from a relationship or partner. If you want to get into a new and healthy relationship, it’s essential to understand what you value in a partner and a relationship. If you’re dating and you haven’t thought about why these values are important to you or what kind of relationship you want, you’re not ready to be dating. Are you looking to be in a monogamous relationship? Do you want to get married again? How will you tackle the issues that weren’t dealt with in prior relationships?

4. You don’t know how to market yourself online. If you’re new to online dating, then you’re probably new to marketing yourself online. Many of us are making common errors on our dating profiles that hurt our chances of success. Old photos, negativity and ambiguity are all elements that will hurt your chances online, especially for men. Consider hiring a dating coach to help you with your profile, or hire a local photographer to get crisp, updated and profile-worthy photos. While we can’t please everyone online, it’s important to thoughtfully create a profile that attracts the right kind of matches. You’ll avoid a lot of frustration by curating a thoughtful profile.

5. You treat your dates like interviews. If you haven’t dated in a while, it’s easy to treat your dates like an interview and ruin your first date chemistry. While we all want to ask good questions and learn about our date, it’s more important to relax, enjoy yourself and see whether there is a natural connection. The first date is simply about assessing whether there was enough intrigue to go on a second date. It’s impossible to learn everything about someone on the first date. Choose date venues that allow you to feel comfortable and at ease so you can focus on genuine connection versus impressing your date. While a fancy dinner is a nice gesture, it’s also acceptable to take your date on a walk, grab a coffee, or take the edge off doing something fun like mini golf.

6. You are too anxious during the dating process. While many of us feel anxious going on dates, if you aren’t managing your emotions you might come across as needy, or overwhelming to your date in person or online. If you’re guilty of sending long-drawn-out texts or checking your notifications all day long, you’ll want to consider some healthy boundaries around dating. Make sure to understand your attachment style and learn ways to regulate your emotions throughout the dating process. Taking deep breaths and using helpful thought substitutions are good starting points to calm your nerves.

7. You’re simply stubborn. If your expectations are sky high and you’re not willing to look at your behaviours, chances are you’ll struggle in the dating scene. It’s important to give people some grace early on and focus on the right qualities of connection. If you’re dating with a laundry list of requirements and you’re not willing to compromise on anything, you’ll find dating will serve you obstacles and very little connection.

Kimberly Hill is a leading Dating & Relationship Coach For Men and the Host of The Self-Confidence Project Podcast. For more information or to book a complimentary call, click here.